Thursday, March 29, 2012

386 Days - A Trenchcoat, A Smile, and a Really Good Scotch

And now…  A Horatian Ode to “The Woo”

Dearest monosyllabic intransitive verb
Dear child of the English of Old
Where have you run off to? What made you perturbed
Enough to grow hardened and cold?

The letters that make you are three altogether
Four sticks; they make up the first
The second and third are symbolic, however
Like breasts to a man with a thirst

Oh Woo, you’ve forgotten how you once existed
To bring smile to this face and these lips
And often enough, if your speaker persisted
He’d be led in the dark to my hips  

I so miss you, old friend, and the lift you once gave
To an ego much riddled with strife
Please come back, I beg you. Your existence, I crave
If you do, I shall hand you my life.

A bit of a dramatic way to say that I like being told I’m pretty in the morning, eh? I don’t even believe that it’s a true Horatian Ode but it looked pretty friggin’ good when I wrote it out, so I kept it.

Okay, so… (cracks knuckles)… let’s get down to business, shall we? Today we’re talking about the simple act of being complimented by your beloved. Simple? HAHAHAHAHAHA!! A-HAHAHA! Ah! HA!! Simple. HAHAHAHA. Hahahahahahahhh. So funny. Simple to us, yes, but so is remembering to not let the kids play outside in their pajamas. In the rain. With no shoes on. And a bloody nose. Anyway, what we think is so simple is so foreign to the opposite sex and vice versa, right? Right. It’s the whole Venus/Mars thing and I get that. It’s never going to change and I’m not going to try to figure to out here; I’m simply going to write a few examples of a good woo below for any men reading this who’d like to get laid tonight. Or, a lot. Or, ever, depending on your rank on the nerd scale. Unless of course, she's a nerd, too. And if you’re a woman reading and you're not an "already complimented by your own nerd" nerd, feel free to send this link along to your man. By the time this gets to you, be assured I have already sent it to mine.

Situation #1:

(You’re on your second date a woman with long hair)

Woo: “Your hair makes me want to commit crimes against nature.”

Outcome: Blow job in the car on the way from the coffee shop to the dog groomer you promised to take Fifi and her to.   

Situation #2:

(You’re in a long-distance relationship with a woman who just sent you a picture of themselves taken outside)

Woo: “I have never been so jealous of the sunlight in my life. It got to touch you all over the place this morning.”

Outcome: She shows up at your office today after a 3-hour flight wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile holding a bottle of scotch. Good scotch. Really, really good scotch. And a porn.

Situation #3:

(You’re married with children for years and work in separate parts of the city)

Emailed Woo: “I forgot to tell you how pretty you looked this morning. Before you got in the shower. And before you woke up.”

Outcome: Beef Brisket, bottle of Malbec, a make-out session and the rest of her life.

See? Simple. S-I-M-P-L-E, gang. We are so easy; we really are. All day long, we’ll take a compliment over a car. We want the words, not the worries. We want to be courted by Richard Gere-like characters (see Pretty Woman, not American Gigolo) who take the time to point out what we hope to be true: that they still think we’re beautiful and we still turn them on. Give it to us, guys. Even quick and easy gets you places, as if, you didn’t already know… (wink.)


  1. Okay, I tried woo # 1 and the outcome was not the same! YOU LIE!!!!! She didn't have a dog!