281 Days - Defining, Refining, and Redefining “Family” – A Dedication

I have never seen a single episode of Modern Family, which is probably odd to all of you because of my expressed adoration of the gorgeous Sofia Vergara (who is no longer on the Eve of Forty but rather celebrated her 40^th this week! Happy birthday, Sofia! Feliz Cumpleaños!) and because it probably seems like it would be my kind of show – filled to the brim with sarcasm, gays, and sexual innuendos (cue Julie Andrews singing “These are a few of my favorite things…”) but, I have often found myself going against what the flock does because I have always felt the need to do things differently.  I’ve pretty much convinced myself over the years that if everyone likes it, I’m not going to, even at times to the point of neglecting myself of a great album or a well-written book. I haven’t read 50 Shades of Gray. I don’t watch Jersey Shore. I didn’t eat acai berries. I couldn’t tell you a single Katy Perry song title. It’s just not who I am, which is why when everyone and their mother told me that I absolutely HAD to watch Modern Family, I did what came naturally to me… I didn’t. But I’m wondering, today, right now, if I should lighten up and bite the bullet, because today, the interpretation of what makes a family was different than it was a week ago.  

How many of us are closer in heart, spirit, and commonality to non-blood-related individuals than we are to our own children, parents, or siblings? I dare say many, since this post from a few weeks back tallied some of the most views on this blog since I started writing it. I cringe when I think about the words “next-of-kin” because I’m hyper-aware of the fact that some blood relatives are, more often than we’d like to believe, not the people who we would want beside us on our death bed. I mean, what if you don’t like the way a sibling raises their children? They are, after all, next-of-kin – blood relative – so if you and your spouse were to suddenly pass in a horrible accident with no last will and testament drawn up prior, know that your child will be raised exactly how you would have never wanted them to be, simply because you shared some DNA. It’s not fair, is it? What if you believed your cousin to be a better parent, or rather, had a parenting style that reflected your own, or your best friend did, or even a good friend who had children your child’s age? It would only seem right that they be the people who raised your child, but without that piece of paper stating your wishes, prepare for little Bobby to go bear hunting with your younger brother Ted… you know, the guy who smokes close to three packs of Camels a day and stopped visiting his dentist because he thought that the man was working with the Obama administration to implant recording devices into his cavity fillings. The same brother who wears his “Barack is Hitler” t-shirt and camo shorts to church and gets applauded. That’s him, yeah. Tell little Bobby to say hello to his new daddy.

Next-of-kin, smext-of-kin. Fuck it, I say! As Forrest Gump might utter, “family is as family does,” and it’s time we purified our families and our lives so that we can be healthier in mind and soul and live out our days as a member of a happy unit worthy of our presence, our dedication, and our love.

First - define your family: Ask yourself what family means to you. Who is family? Who is worthy of your family? Is it only your parents? Only your siblings? Or does your immediate family include cousins, friends, and in-laws? Are you related by blood, are you related by love, or are you related by both? And are you – and this is a tough one – worthy of them and worthy of being included in their family?

Next - refine your family: To refine means to purify – to remove the bad parts and impurities so that all you have left is a substance not unlike gold. Get rid of the poisons. Cleanse your life of the sickness. Remove those who are unworthy. Forget that they exist. And by all means – and I’m mostly talking to you, Catholics – DO NOT LET GUILT STOP YOU.

Last - redefine your family:  Now that you have figured out both what you want and don’t want in a true family unit, go ahead and make yourself a new type of family tree. Seriously, get some paper and draw it out. Make each branch the same length. Make each root just as strong. And on every leaf, add the individual name of those you want to include. Sisters. Cousins. Step cousins. Brothers-in-law. Neighbors. Friends. Colleagues. Mentors. Aunts. Godparents. Children. Spouses. Parents. Step-parents. Grandparents. Pets. And when you are done, step back and take a look at what you’ve created. It’s a thing of beauty, isn’t it? A tree rooted by love, watered with the tears that were shed by those who loved you most when they felt you were in pain, or laughed with you most when you were at your happiest. A tree that stands alone, free of vines that might hold it back, but that isn’t really alone at all because each individual leaf is as much a part of it as its limbs or its trunk. A tree that grows in sunlight filled with all that is beautiful, and all that is true. A tree that never finds itself in the dark, or even in the shade, and that will lose a leaf from time to time. But don’t worry about those losses; new ones will always grow back.

This is your tree. This is your family. You threw out the old cliché of “you can’t pick your family” and went ahead and picked your family. And you did well… you did really, really well. And your family loves you, and cries with you, and feels with you, and laughs with you, and no matter what, your real family will be there.